i'm getting tired of this blog. it all sounds the same. all the entries are contentless rants about nothing. i'm probably going to quit when i hit the month mark. i have no desire to continue this daily update thing any further. might do so periodically, but there's rarely anything going on, that i want to be honest about at least, for me to write down

sufjan rarely curses in his music. the first time i heard him curse was on age of adz, in the song "i want to be well" where he sings, "i'm not fucking around". he surprise dropped a song today about a figure skater. he curses again in this song, but it's such a strange, almost laughably bad line. he sings, "the world is a bitch, girl / don't end up in a ditch, girl". that is soo bad, but like, i still felt it, ya know? like, he's right. he has a point. the world is a bitch. don't end up in a ditch (i.e. dead)

what if drugs did me in? like what if while experiencing a pleasure that i enjoy, i died? that would let me down. like a major betrayal, i feel. i think these weird crises i have created for myself, mostly emotional but some physical, are because of this mercury retrograde thing. i wonder if i didn't know what any of this meant, would i be spared from all of this? wish i never started investigating my astrology sign. i'm a cancer, and all i ever see are posts about me being an emotional wreck or something, which i feel is true when it isn't false. that doesn't make sense

my list of which sufjan stevens album to cry to each month:

• january - michigan
• february - illinois
• march - the avalanche
• april - a sun came
• may - carrie & lowell (live)
• june - planetarium
• july - carrie & lowell
• august - seven swans
• september - all delighted people
• october - the age of adz
• november - the greatest gift
• december - silver & gold