i want to read "god box" by mallory whitten but the library doesn't have a copy. i've had this issue before, notably with "call me by your name". i'm considering ordering a copy of it off amazon and returning it after reading it. i'd have to be careful to not damage it, but i keep wondering if doing that is ethical? i don't usually care much about living ethically because no matter how hard i try to live that way, i always find different ways in which i live unethically. i noticed the price was $8 for the book and now its back to $13. the other issue with this is that the author doesn't get paid, which is really the part that is keeping me from going through with this plan. i just need my check to come in so that i can buy it. i've been sittign here with ~26$ to my name since monday. honestly a little proud that i've gone four (and will go five) days without spending a single dollar

i thought, "life is nice. i'm content right now". it was an earnest thought, and i'm not sure where it came from. i think its because i will have been home for a week today and i've gotten to see my friends within that time and i've generally shaken off whatever sadness was affecting me. that's not to say it's gone, because it's definitely not, but overall i have been feeling better. i had the realization (on shrooms) that i have people that care about me and that i've reached a point where i am only interacting with those that i care about in return. like, i know that people care, but like i realized the full extent of it, i guess. i dont know. it's a happy thought of sorts. not sure where i'll be a few days from now, but hopefully i don't take another nose-dive

on a related note, i stopped taking antidepressants after four days because i remembered how ssri's affect the chemistry of the brain (by remembered i mean i was reminded) and decided it would be best to stop as soon as i could. whatever affects i felt in that time was mostly in my head, since it takes weeks for those to take full effect. i also didn't have enough runway for that, had maybe two weeks worth more, so i figured i might as well stop then, at least until i see someone, if ever

i gave my friend that nascar/gordon baseball jersey that i got in pennsylvania back in september. we talked about how we have both considered selling drugs but never really bothered after considering the repercussions. funny enough i later got a text from a random number asking if i had coke or bars, which like, i don't. i think the government is trying to entrap me