i gave my reading today. there were supposed to be four "panelists" but one of them didn't show up. so there was this phd candidate, this black girl, and me. the phd candidate presented some writing project that she had worked on over the summer. it was blog related. ten posts. over ten weeks. i... i wasn't a fan. i thought it was kind of boring. when it came time for questions, i asked her how much thought she put into the actual blog layout. she was confused at first but ultimately said that she just picked the first theme she like. i asked because, well, i have this blog, and i have a specific reason for why it looks like this. i spent time editing the layout to have it this straightforward. i wanted to know if she did that, seeing as the blog aspect was imperative to her project. her answer was a bit of a let down

i read mine and it went fine. i felt like i moved around in the chair too much, but the recording that julia got showed it was just while i was talking about myself before starting. the proctor liked my verbs, before she gave her example, i thought about my line about 'disciplining the earth', and that was the example she gave. honestly, i feel like it's good. like i can submit it somewhere. maybe the lantern (ha!) another professor from shippensburg asked what prompt led to that story. i said i had it, but i couldn't find the document. i lied and said it was this sensory experiment where my professor handed us objects to think about. he took notes. the phd candidate took notes. the two strangers didn't say anything about my story though. guess it wasn't in their taste

so when i saw i was reading to basically all white people, i decided to throw in the word 'pendejo' to provide more context about myself. i forgot that julia was recording it, and that i planned to send it to my mother. now, i don't know if i want to do that. i don't want my mom to hear me curse... in spanish...

i'll get the rest of these posts up tomorrow. i'm a little drunk and felt like writing this out instead of eating. losing weight and all that. joe and julia both said that i'm not fat. i think pictures say otherwise. i say otherwise

the last reader was this black girl from ship and she talked about her experience being a dark-skinned girl. there were humorous parts. i laughed when she said that her white friends would tell her to 'smile so [they] could see [her]'. which, she laughed too. i've dealt with some racism so i think i'm allowed. anyway, i liked that she came to the conclusion that by trying to protect her siblings, she may have been doing more harm. i like that concept. during questions, god, these whites are weird. one girl that also goes to ship said she sees her all the time and didn't realize how confident she was and that the story was 'precious'. gross. then the proctor woman compared her experience with having red curly hair to the black girl's experience with natural hair. she conceded it wasn't the same, but like, she still made it about herself. and then the phd candidate asked for the black girl's email because her university has a 'frederick douglass institute' and they would be happy to hear her story. no knock against the girl, i liked her story, but isn't that the experience of a majority of dark-skinned black women/femmes in america? i'm sure the institute has heard similar stories. that was a weird thing. they're all weird

this girl with a fjallraven kanken complimented me on my car seat headrest shirt. i felt like i should've said something back like thanks, but i only smiled. i didn't have a response for her. i don't trust rural whites. she might not be rural, actually. but in a rural setting, one where i flicked off a guy in a truck waving the confederate flag on the way to the university, i cant be too cautious. even with artsy, probably 'left-learning' people

i keep feeling like there are bugs on me. in bed, while sitting in a chair. weird

if i had talked with sarah i probably would've been able to come to the conference with her this morning and consequently been able to go to the see jaboukie at the good good comedy club last night. but, i think everything happens for a reason. the world isn't always against me. when i mentioned this to my friends, they said they enjoyed spending time with me. still, would've been nice to go to what i had planned to go to with kim months(?) before

is there a problem with breathing out of your mouth? i posted something on spanchat and was asked if i was 'mouth breathing'. i wasn't, just had my jam slightly dropped, but like, whats the problem if i were 'mouth breathing'? if i can breathe through my nose and my mouth, i see that as a good thing. i can switch. two is better than one. i don't know where i'm going with this. i think i just felt like they were coming after me. i'm being defensive. and also trying to keep writing. but also there's nothing wrong with breathing out of your mouth if you're not being obnoxious