at a party a couple weeks ago, i got the random urge to crack a raw egg into whatever mixed drink i was drinking. i completely ignored (forgot(?)) i've been eating vegan. not sure why but at that moment i had remembered how when i worked at a restaurant in mexico, people would ask for a raw egg in their drinks. this was around breakfast time. usually wanted the egg in their orange juice. simpler times i guess. i remember being slightly disgusted by it, kept referring back to the possibility of a disease like salmonella. though at that party, i casted way all reservations and was very close to drinking the egg when jamie reminded me that i'm supposedly vegan. i think i thanked him. i know i intended too at least. but now, i kinda want to do the egg thing regularly. i feel that there's a reason they do it. i've read there are health benefits, especially if you remove the whites

last friday, while walking up 9th ave i passed up the pizza restaurant i had stopped at in august. felt a bit surreal because that's where i got my brother a slice the last time i saw him. got a little emotional thinking about the fluctuations i was going through at that time. i remember crying on the ferry. and almost crying outside a bar in harlem. i wanted to think that was the last time i cried, but i think there was a night in mid-october in which i also cried. can't think of a moment since. which is a bad thing, i feel. recently i've felt myself come close to it. my face swells, it gets heavy and there's a feeling under my skin, but it ultimately goes away. i'm sure its just building up to it

i have a driving test when i get home in december. i haven't practiced much since coming up here. have driven into philly once, and around the backwoods of pennsylvania a handful of times. i'm worried about parking. pretty cliché of me but i can't recall an instance in which i parallel parked. i think i'm buying my flight tickets on thursday. my family wants me to buy it round trip, but i don't feel comfortable doing that. there's a chance i might want to stay home a day longer. there's a show i might go to the day I'm supposed to be back, and until i know for sure that i am or am not going, i don't want to book the return. i can be indecisive

looked at the calendar today and found that the month is almost over. i haven't been reading at the pace that i had hoped for. i can tell myself that i'll read more when i get home for break but that would be a flagrant lie. gonna have to do better these next couple of weeks. gotta stay on track

been thinking about what it means to like someone. i've narrowed it down the basically you enjoying spending time with someone. i think everything else people do in relationships stems from that idea. but if that's the case, why do "romantic" relationships exist? wouldn't friendship be enough? can't seem to "wrap my mind around" relationships anymore. just doesn't make sense, when literally anything you can do in a relationship you can do outside of one, as friends. is it the supposed exclusivity? idk where i'm going with this. trying to comprehend some emotions and thoughts, i guess. haven't had much "on my plate" as of late. i'm just trying to create a crisis for myself as a distraction from other general bad feelings