i hosted a movie screening last night. we watched 'call me by your name' (2017). i won't talk too much about the movie since i have done that already in previous posts, but i will say that the father's monologue towards the ends had everyone crying. when it ended, everyone left except for rae. she was crying a fair amount because it reminded her of her own relationship. she studied abroad in france and too had to leave her boyfriend in a similar manner as oliver did to elio, with the train and everything. it is a heartbreaking film if you lend yourself to the romance. some people refused to move past the age gap, which is fair, but i do feel it is more rewarding if you quit holding hard lines with everything in life

i got sick. spent a good part of today resting. got some robitussin and ibuprofen. i hope they don't react in a negatively with my body. the combination does make me feel better. gonna host some party, which i would be more eager for if i weren't sick. have recently grown an interest in taking some robitussin recreationally. i know it sounds dumb and trashy, and rightfully so, but i feel abusing dextromethorphan is something that i can only do as a teenager. it would be worse if i did it at twenty years old. and it's for that weird stigma that i've attached to it that i feel i have to do it soon. i am sick so it would help in a way, maybe

had a good talk with some friends over dinner. covered a lot of different topics from drugs to cereal to gender to the art of conversation. it was good to catch up with people. messaged someone who i haven't talked to in about a month. don't really expect a reply, because i know he doesn't always respond, but i do talk to him soon. i don't know. been feeling sad and at times i'm just starting minor arguments for the sake of arguing. it doesn't make much sense. i think it's cause i'm starting to feel bad again. bad as in, like, dumb, or ridiculous. yeah i've been feeling ridiculous. the other day i looked at my hands and they didn't feel like my hands. had another episode where i felt the ground shifting. a couple friends were on acid today and i was a bit jealous. i want to feel that kind of ridiculous, where i can blame the drug or use it to sort of address internal conflicts but instead i'm here typing this blog in my room, hoping the time for that party doesn't come as soon as i know it will